Sometimes, the smallest things take up the most room in our hearts.
Winnie the Pooh
Hailey Marie was born on May 11, 2009 at 10:47 a.m. at a svelte 2 pounds, 15 ounces, and was with us for a very short 10-1/2 months – all of it in the N.I.C.U. at Children’s Hospital. We knew before Hailey’s birth that she would have to face many obstacles. Even to this day, some of these obstacles remain a mystery. Hailey will forever be our hero and our inspiration for how courageously she fought her numerous battles. In spite of these struggles, she would always flash a smile or tell a story with her expressive eyes to us and to those around her.
We often questioned why Hailey was given so many challenges and now we question why she was taken after such a short time. But as we reflect on her legacy, we see that she has touched the hearts of so many people – some of whom have never even met us. We are amazed at how such a tiny person could have such an impact on so many people.
Being in the N.I.C.U. for so long, Hailey became “the big girl on the block”. Perched in her crib, she would sometimes supervise morning rounds or keep an eye on the situation when a neighbouring baby was misbehaving. She could tell volumes of stories with her eyes and eyebrows, and with a wave of her arm or a point of her toes, she would get your attention like no words ever could. At bedtime, she would let us know that she wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep by almost always “shadowboxing” with a free arm – that is until tiredness won out.
Hailey loved having books read to her. She would keenly look at the pictures as we turned each page. Sometimes she would even get her feet involved and rest her toes on the pages. Then there’s her movies – in the last few months, we would often play DVD’s for her in her crib. Her favourite was Finding Nemo. She would watch it so intently that we were sure she didn’t blink, and she’d stay awake from opening credits to closing credits – something her mommy can’t do. Her mirror!! In her mirror, she would watch the “other baby”, that we affectionately called “Hailey #2”. She would tell this “other baby” stories for hours, often giggling along with her. We were worried what this may lead to as a teenager – would we ever get our bathroom back?
Hailey had many nicknames – “Hailey Bean”, “Hailey Bug”, “Love Bug”, “Pumpkin”, “Peanut”, and now she has earned a new one – “Our Little Angel”.
We often questioned why Hailey was given so many challenges and now we question why she was taken after such a short time. But as we reflect on her legacy, we see that she has touched the hearts of so many people – some of whom have never even met us. We are amazed at how such a tiny person could have such an impact on so many people.
Being in the N.I.C.U. for so long, Hailey became “the big girl on the block”. Perched in her crib, she would sometimes supervise morning rounds or keep an eye on the situation when a neighbouring baby was misbehaving. She could tell volumes of stories with her eyes and eyebrows, and with a wave of her arm or a point of her toes, she would get your attention like no words ever could. At bedtime, she would let us know that she wasn’t quite ready to fall asleep by almost always “shadowboxing” with a free arm – that is until tiredness won out.
Hailey loved having books read to her. She would keenly look at the pictures as we turned each page. Sometimes she would even get her feet involved and rest her toes on the pages. Then there’s her movies – in the last few months, we would often play DVD’s for her in her crib. Her favourite was Finding Nemo. She would watch it so intently that we were sure she didn’t blink, and she’d stay awake from opening credits to closing credits – something her mommy can’t do. Her mirror!! In her mirror, she would watch the “other baby”, that we affectionately called “Hailey #2”. She would tell this “other baby” stories for hours, often giggling along with her. We were worried what this may lead to as a teenager – would we ever get our bathroom back?
Hailey had many nicknames – “Hailey Bean”, “Hailey Bug”, “Love Bug”, “Pumpkin”, “Peanut”, and now she has earned a new one – “Our Little Angel”.
How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footprints left on our hearts.
by Dorothy Ferguson
To Our Family, Friends and Colleagues
Thank you for your endless support. Over the past 10 and a half months, so many of you offered and wished that you could do something for us. You endlessly offered to cut our grass, take Higgins for a walk, do our laundry, pick up groceries, etc., etc - but us being us, we declined most of the time, as we didn’t want to burden anyone else. But you made up for it by dropping off a dinner, throwing food parties for us, giving hugs and phone calls of support, visiting us and Hailey, or listening to us tell stories about her ups and downs. All of your thoughts, prayers and love mean just as much to us as any physical gesture.
To The Families of the Other Babies That We Met In N.I.C.U…
We now call you friends. Sometimes you have drawn support from us and other times we have leaned on you. We have all been placed in a unique situation that only we, as parents of these babies, can comprehend. We’ve seen how fragile our babies’ lives are, and because of this, we have a different perspective on how precious life is.
To Our N.I.C.U. Family
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to all of the N.I.C.U. nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists and unit staff that cared for Hailey as if she was one of your own. Your endless love and devotion to our little girl helped make her life in the N.I.C.U. as “normal” as possible. We are going to miss your hugs, your words of encouragement and your laughter. There is not enough time or paper to thank each of you individually, but please know that we so greatly appreciate everything that you did. But having said that…
Thanks… or maybe not!!... to “auntie” Cathy Penner for getting us hooked on Shaken Black Iced Tea Lemonade. We’ll never drink another without thinking about you and Hailey.
A special thank you to the nurses that took such loving care of Hailey and of us during her last few days. You helped fill Hailey’s last moments with dignity, respect and peace.
To our “pit bull” and our “bouncer”, you gave us the family time that we so desperately needed.
To Kim C., thank you for sharing your story with us. Your love and support through last weekend hasn’t made it any less painful, but it is making it easier to accept.
All of you laughed with us, talked with us, supported us, listened to our endless questions, cried with us, and even though it’s not in your job description, now you are grieving with us.
To Hailey from Daddy
We will never walk with you feet on mine, I will never reach something down for you from the top shelf, I will never chase you around on the lawn, I will never teach you to drive and I will never get to walk you down the aisle. But that’s all OK, because I am at peace knowing that you are now at peace and that you are forever chasing butterflies on God’s lawn. I love you to the furthest star in the furthest galaxy…and back. You will always be my little angel. Here’s a kiss from mommy, one from daddy and one from everyone else. I love you Hailey.
To Hailey from Mommy
Oh my beautiful little girl….. our time together was much, much too short. From the moment I knew I was carrying you inside me, I loved you beyond words. Then from the first time I saw your beautiful face with those big eyes, touched those unbelievably tiny hands and feet and held you in my arms, to the first time we giggled like crazy, to our last cuddle, my love for you grew with each passing minute. And now these tears we’re crying aren’t tears of sadness, they’re our love overflowing for you. Hailey, I will miss you more than I can bear, but I know that you are at peace and are dancing and giggling and playing with the other angels. No matter where you are I will always be your mommy and you will always be my precious little girl. I love you forever and ever and always sweet angel.
Thank you for your endless support. Over the past 10 and a half months, so many of you offered and wished that you could do something for us. You endlessly offered to cut our grass, take Higgins for a walk, do our laundry, pick up groceries, etc., etc - but us being us, we declined most of the time, as we didn’t want to burden anyone else. But you made up for it by dropping off a dinner, throwing food parties for us, giving hugs and phone calls of support, visiting us and Hailey, or listening to us tell stories about her ups and downs. All of your thoughts, prayers and love mean just as much to us as any physical gesture.
To The Families of the Other Babies That We Met In N.I.C.U…
We now call you friends. Sometimes you have drawn support from us and other times we have leaned on you. We have all been placed in a unique situation that only we, as parents of these babies, can comprehend. We’ve seen how fragile our babies’ lives are, and because of this, we have a different perspective on how precious life is.
To Our N.I.C.U. Family
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to all of the N.I.C.U. nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists and unit staff that cared for Hailey as if she was one of your own. Your endless love and devotion to our little girl helped make her life in the N.I.C.U. as “normal” as possible. We are going to miss your hugs, your words of encouragement and your laughter. There is not enough time or paper to thank each of you individually, but please know that we so greatly appreciate everything that you did. But having said that…
Thanks… or maybe not!!... to “auntie” Cathy Penner for getting us hooked on Shaken Black Iced Tea Lemonade. We’ll never drink another without thinking about you and Hailey.
A special thank you to the nurses that took such loving care of Hailey and of us during her last few days. You helped fill Hailey’s last moments with dignity, respect and peace.
To our “pit bull” and our “bouncer”, you gave us the family time that we so desperately needed.
To Kim C., thank you for sharing your story with us. Your love and support through last weekend hasn’t made it any less painful, but it is making it easier to accept.
All of you laughed with us, talked with us, supported us, listened to our endless questions, cried with us, and even though it’s not in your job description, now you are grieving with us.
To Hailey from Daddy
We will never walk with you feet on mine, I will never reach something down for you from the top shelf, I will never chase you around on the lawn, I will never teach you to drive and I will never get to walk you down the aisle. But that’s all OK, because I am at peace knowing that you are now at peace and that you are forever chasing butterflies on God’s lawn. I love you to the furthest star in the furthest galaxy…and back. You will always be my little angel. Here’s a kiss from mommy, one from daddy and one from everyone else. I love you Hailey.
To Hailey from Mommy
Oh my beautiful little girl….. our time together was much, much too short. From the moment I knew I was carrying you inside me, I loved you beyond words. Then from the first time I saw your beautiful face with those big eyes, touched those unbelievably tiny hands and feet and held you in my arms, to the first time we giggled like crazy, to our last cuddle, my love for you grew with each passing minute. And now these tears we’re crying aren’t tears of sadness, they’re our love overflowing for you. Hailey, I will miss you more than I can bear, but I know that you are at peace and are dancing and giggling and playing with the other angels. No matter where you are I will always be your mommy and you will always be my precious little girl. I love you forever and ever and always sweet angel.
All was quiet in the deep dark wood.
The mouse found a nut and the nut was good.
excerpt from The Gruffalo, by Julia Donaldson
We love you to the moon and back our sweet little “Hailey Bean”.
VICHNAYA PAMYAT (Eternal Memory).
VICHNAYA PAMYAT (Eternal Memory).
In the Bible…in the Old Testament, in the book of Ecclesiastes it states:
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.
Why?
It's the question that we've all asked so many times. Well, we all believe that everything happens for a reason, even though it's often difficult to understand or see. We recognize that we may learn some reasons in the future and some we may never learn or see, but today we would like to share with you those that we have learned… our answers to the question "why" and the many things we've learned from and because of Hailey:
I would like to share with you "Hailey's Special Visit with Her Papa", the night Hailey passed away, as written by her Papa Rey:
It's the question that we've all asked so many times. Well, we all believe that everything happens for a reason, even though it's often difficult to understand or see. We recognize that we may learn some reasons in the future and some we may never learn or see, but today we would like to share with you those that we have learned… our answers to the question "why" and the many things we've learned from and because of Hailey:
- We've learned that special children are given to special people.
- We've learned what true heroism, strength and fight is. Hailey showed us that every day, despite her small size. We also learned exactly where she got it from… her parents. Janet and Colin's unwavering commitment and dedication to Hailey, and the strength and positivity that they've shown through it all are a shining example of what being a parent and true, unconditional love are about.
- Hailey you were blessed to have such wonderful parents. Parents who although at times it was extremely stressful, were there day in and day out to watch over their little angel and to show their love for you. Parents who were there amongst the beeps and the boops of the NICU to give you an interlude of "I love you Hailey" or "good morning precious" - those must have been the highlights of your day. And… we think the highlight of Mommy and Daddy's day was you giving them a twinkle with your eyes and a smile in return.
- We've learned that the best things really do come in small packages.
- We've learned how much can be said with the eyes… and wow what eyes Hailey had. Beautiful, giant, brown ones framed by the longest most beautiful lashes… she definitely had her mother's eyes and she could speak volumes with them.
- We've also learned how her smile could truly light up the room… just like her Daddy's. And throughout all the poking and prodding she kept a calm demeanor also like her Daddy.
- We've learned that even though Hailey was born by c-section, the stork managed to nip her ear just like it had her Daddy's ear.
- We've learned what incredible work they do in NICU at the Children's Hospital. The nurses, doctors and other staff on the unit are amazing. On behalf of Janet and Colin's families we would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who work there for everything that you have done for Hailey, and for Janet and Colin over the past 10-1/2 months. You were their family when we couldn't be there for them, and for that we will be forever grateful.
- Hailey has given us and others perspective… a girlfriend of Lynne's gave birth to a daughter with a disability affecting her hand about 5 months after Hailey was born, and she has said that although she never met Hailey, it is because of knowing her fight that she was able to face her daughter's challenge with a positive outlook.
- Hailey has reminded us and others of what is truly important in life… those that we love… because in the rush of everyday life we all lose sight of that sometimes. Remember to say "I love you" and to hug those you love… often.
I would like to share with you "Hailey's Special Visit with Her Papa", the night Hailey passed away, as written by her Papa Rey:
In my sleep, I could hear a tiny voice calling Papa,
"Papa, can you please help me."
As I looked around to see where this voice was coming from,
out of a mist, I could see this tiny little girl with dark brown curly hair
and big blue eyes coming towards me.
I said, "Who is this?",
and she replied, "Its Hailey. Can you please help me?"
"Certainly", I said. "What is it that you need help with?"
"Can you help me find my Mommy and Daddy?
They never told me where they live!"
I held her in my arms and told her how much I love her and told her how she will be
missed by everyone and that I look forward to her coming to visit again soon.
I then took her hand and we walked down the driveway
where Mommy and Daddy came to get her.
"Papa, can you please help me."
As I looked around to see where this voice was coming from,
out of a mist, I could see this tiny little girl with dark brown curly hair
and big blue eyes coming towards me.
I said, "Who is this?",
and she replied, "Its Hailey. Can you please help me?"
"Certainly", I said. "What is it that you need help with?"
"Can you help me find my Mommy and Daddy?
They never told me where they live!"
I held her in my arms and told her how much I love her and told her how she will be
missed by everyone and that I look forward to her coming to visit again soon.
I then took her hand and we walked down the driveway
where Mommy and Daddy came to get her.
Janet and Colin asked all of Hailey's cousins to prepare a special thought, verse or message for her. We would like to share those with you:
Nicole, Braeden and Bryson
|
"Those we have held in our arms
for a little while, we will hold in our hearts forever." God bless you Hailey and may you be safe in His arms, You are in our hearts forever. …Love Nicole |
"Beautiful memories, silently kept,
of a baby we loved and will never forget." May God bless you Hailey and Keep you in His loving care. …Love Braeden |
|
Jesus said, "Let the little children
come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19: 14 I will miss you Hailey, …Love Bryson |
|
Jen and Sean
|
To Hailey,
A soul too large for her small frame, now nestled lovingly in the hearts of all who knew her. May we carry her with us as we laugh, learn, and love, as she never had the chance to. …Love Jen |
Hailey – Brought into this world with love,
lived with love, let go with love. …Love Sean |
Evan
|
We thank God for bringing Hailey into our world and our family.
She came for such a short time and she left so soon. We love you and will miss you very much. Sleep with the Angels Hailey. …Love Evan |
|
Jolene and Carter
|
You are so sweet. I love you Hailey.
I will dream about you, and remember the special moments we saw you. …Love Jolene |
I love you Hailey. Jesus loves you too.
God picked you to be with Him. …Love Carter |
Colin and Janet we want you to know that our families have been truly blessed by your example of love for Hailey. Our children have witnessed your devotion to Hailey and it has impacted them greatly. They will carry with them some of the love that you demonstrated in your journey with Hailey and it will be passed on for future generations.
And Janet and Colin… you watched over and comforted Hailey for ten and a half months. We think that now there will come times and situations where you somehow feel calmer than you should… those will be the times where your little angel Hailey will have her arms around you and will whisper, it's OK Mommy and Daddy… relax… I'm watching over you now… I've got your back.
And Janet and Colin… you watched over and comforted Hailey for ten and a half months. We think that now there will come times and situations where you somehow feel calmer than you should… those will be the times where your little angel Hailey will have her arms around you and will whisper, it's OK Mommy and Daddy… relax… I'm watching over you now… I've got your back.
You Kissed The Wind
You kissed the wind,
We wonder why.
You kissed the wind,
We stand and cry.
We never thought you'd go so soon,
No one thought but there you are.
Questions,
Answers.
Never clear.
We all thought that you'd be here.
We didn't know,
but yet we did.
Why didn't we,
is left unsaid.
You kissed the wind,
with a peaceful good-bye.
…Auntie Cathryn (c.1982)
We will miss you Hailey.
The light of a distant star continues to reach the earth, long after the star itself is gone.
Good morning.
For those of you who may not know me – my name is Cathy. For the past 10-1/2 months I have had the profound pleasure of being one of Hailey’s primary nurses – or, as we prefer to be called – one of Hailey’s N.I.C.U. “Aunties”.
Hailey, Janet and Colin have been a large part of our N.I.C.U. family over these past months and today I have been given the honour of telling the story of Hailey through the eyes, voices and hearts of the many N.I.C.U. staff members who have cared for and loved this beautiful little girl.
For those of you who may not know me – my name is Cathy. For the past 10-1/2 months I have had the profound pleasure of being one of Hailey’s primary nurses – or, as we prefer to be called – one of Hailey’s N.I.C.U. “Aunties”.
Hailey, Janet and Colin have been a large part of our N.I.C.U. family over these past months and today I have been given the honour of telling the story of Hailey through the eyes, voices and hearts of the many N.I.C.U. staff members who have cared for and loved this beautiful little girl.
Little Angels
When God calls little children
To dwell with Him above
We mortals sometimes question
The wisdom of His love
For no heartache compares with
The death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world
Seem wonderful and mild
Perhaps God tires of calling
The aged to His fold
So He picks a rosebud
Before it can grow old
God knows how much we need them
And so He takes but few,
To make the land of Heaven
More beautiful to view
Believing this is difficult
Still somehow we must try
The saddest word mankind knows
Will always be “good bye”
So when a child departs
We who are left behind
Must realize God loves children,
Angels are hard to find
(Author Unknown)
As the poem states – “the saddest word mankind knows will always be good-bye”; and at a time like this; it is human nature to want to focus on the sadness and sorrow; and to ask the perennial question “Why did we have to say goodbye?” Today, I am asking you to try not to mourn a life that could have been; but, rather to join me in celebrating a life that was. Some of you may be thinking how sad it must have been living an entire life in the N.I.C.U. facing challenge after challenge; but there have been many, many happy memory making moments as well. I’m here to share some of these with you today. So without further ado – our story begins…
Hailey Marie Paterson was born on Monday, May 11th, 2009 at 10:47 a.m... A petite little package she was, weighing in at a scrappy 2 lbs 15.2 ounces and just 13.75” in length. What she lacked in stature and size, we would soon learn she more than made up for in spirit.
Colin and Janet knew before Hailey’s birth that she would have to face many obstacles; this did not deter these first time parents from trying to make Hailey’s stay in the N.I.C.U. anything but normal”ish”…for instance, within Hailey’s first week in the N.I.C.U. when her breathing tube was removed and she was doing well breathing on her own with minimal assistance – we thought it might be fun to give Hailey her first real bath complete with bubbles. If you have been a regular visitor to “Hailey’s Blog” you will have seen a picture of Hailey soaking in her blue bathtub with the N.I.C.U. version of a spa towel wrapped around her head. She was clearly hooked on being pampered – and I believe, it was that night that we began the makings of our little Diva; but, more on that a little later. Mommy and Daddy were happy participants in this aspect of her care from that moment on and bath time became a ritual for the 3 of them whenever Hailey’s condition would allow. Candles, lavender bubble bath and lotions of all kinds were the stuff night time was made of. Just an aside - when Hailey wasn’t using these “candles” her Daddy had other uses for them. Just ask him about the stuffed animals, the candle bonfires and roasting cotton balls.
Hailey spent a few more weeks in a tiny bassinette located in Bed #3 but, it wouldn’t be long before it became necessary to relocate her to a larger, more spacious bed. She simply was accumulating too much stuff!!! Now, if you can imagine – this tiny little person sleeping in a bed roughly the size of a twin mattress you might think we all were a little crazy. Not so. It didn’t take long before Mommy and Daddy had her new “condo” (known as Bed #11) all decorated with mobiles, important milestone signs and numerous stuffed animal friends. Her new crib suddenly didn’t seem so big. Truth be told, Colin and Janet weren’t solely to blame for the extravagance that became Hailey’s bedside. “Aunties” and other N.I.C.U. members just couldn’t help themselves at times and would bring in toys, socks, dresses, etc. for Hailey. It got to a point where Colin and Janet had to rotate the “stuff” in order to give Hailey an actual place on her bed to sleep!!! You may not realize this, but, the Paterson family started a trend when it came to bedside décor. Baby bedsides in the N.I.C.U. have never been more personalized. Clean and dirty infant clothes are no longer stored in brown paper bags at the bedsides, but, are now separated in individual baskets labeled “clean” and “dirty”. Parents whose infants require longer than usual time in our unit are truly making their baby’s bedsides more of a home away from home.
Around the 2 – 3 month stage –it was apparent that Hailey had inherited her parents’ outgoing personality. No longer was she content to just lay in her bed looking at her mobile, her pink dog, or her colorful bug. She wanted up!!!! She not only wanted to socialize – she needed to. When she was being held – she insisted on facing you head on – she had to be able to see you. She loved to look at faces especially those belonging to her Mommy and Daddy. She loved to be a part of everything going on around her and would think nothing of quickly turning her head to check out the action beside her all while you scrambled to make sure tubes and wires went with her. How many times did we, as her “Aunties” have to sit her completely upright in her crib so that she could watch people come and go within her area of the nursery? Hailey would receive many visitors during the day, none more important than her Mommy and Daddy who were mainstays at her bedside morning, noon and night. Very rarely did rounds take place without one or both of Hailey’s parents by her side advocating for every aspect of her care. Everyone knew who Hailey was – and your day just wasn’t complete unless you came by to see her and her parents and at the very least inquire about how things were going. Colin and Janet quickly became immersed in the N.I.C.U. culture but, never did they once forget to say “hi” to anyone passing by, offer a ride to a parent who was going back to Ronald McDonald House, to ask another parent “how are you doing?” or to introduce themselves to new parents when they arrived in the unit. Even when times were not going well – they always found the courage to be there for others, seemingly forgetting the unfairness of their situation to help others. To say that Hailey and her parents were loved would be an understatement. To many of us, they were the bright spots in our otherwise hectic and sometimes rotten days. It is difficult walking by Bed #11 and not seeing all 3 of them there. The sun just isn’t shining as brightly in that corner of the nursery.
Walk-a-bouts as we call them – where we cuddle up a baby and show them off to one another were something of a rarity for Hailey as she was usually attached to one thing or another. Well, on this one particular night – a couple of her night time aunties decided (with Colin’s help) that Hailey should go on a little “road trip” to visit her Mommy in the Bonding Room. Hailey had had a good day and had done well with her bath –she could tolerate a little time away from the “crib”. Hailey was put on nasal prongs and a portable oxygen tank was pulled along side. Off the little convoy went to meet Mommy. Was Mommy ever surprised when the door opened and she saw her little girl at the door! A little quiet, “alone as a family” time was the perfect way to end this particular evening.
Remember earlier when I mentioned that Hailey was a bit of a Diva? I’m sure all of her “Aunties” remember the MIRROR. This girl LOVED to admire herself in her mirror. She could stare at herself for hours!!!! Often, she would fall asleep just looking at herself.
Now Hailey was prone to “meltdowns” as we affectionately call them. For Hailey – they would usually be precipitated by something you were doing to her as part of her care; but, the funny thing here is – during these attitude bursts – as soon as you would put the mirror in front of her, she would pause – check herself out – “yep, I still look good even when I’m in a mood” and she would stop crying. The Hailey in the mirror became known to all as “Hailey too”. This mirror became part of your care plan – if you were going to change Hailey’s position, or suction her, change her diaper, etc. – you’d better have the mirror ready and in the appropriate spot BEFORE you did anything else.
Hailey definitely had her favourites when it came to her “things”. She loved to look at just about anything but; in particular she loved her Fisher Price Aquarium that an “Auntie” had purchased for her at Christmas. This quickly took the place of the beloved mirror – as by this point Hailey “KNEW” she looked beautiful all the time and therefore, just didn’t need to keep checking herself out. Stationary Nemo, Lola the lobster and Hailey became fast friends. Jiggers, the colorful lion/dog spindly legged thing, was another favourite of Hailey’s as he would always talk to her in a funny voice. He especially liked to give her kisses on her neck and make her laugh (so much so that she would need lots of suctioning after a visit from him). And who can forget the yellow duck that watched over Hailey from the head of the bed each night while she slept.
Now as Hailey grew older – and she realized her sparkling, expressive dark eyes (she got these from her Mom) and her unbelievably long eyelashes could be used to attract some of the infant male population to her bedside – she took full advantage of this. Riley and Matteo, and several other boys whose names I can’t recall, were frequent visitors to her bedside. Now don’t panic; this was all above board – Mommy and Daddy were always present on nights when Hailey invited boys to her “crib”. Of course, Hailey did most of the talking, because we all know, boys will be boys – but, clearly she was a heartbreaker from the get go.
The foot!!! Well, this was a Hailey trademark. Whenever she was awake that foot was almost always in the air. Some felt that this was Hailey just practicing her ballet moves – I have my own take on this – we all knew Hailey was a very particular girl – she liked things just so – she especially enjoyed smelling nice. I believe, when her foot was in the air – she was saying “hi” – yes, but, she was most likely asking you to smell her foot to make sure it didn’t stink. However, Mommy’s theory is by far the best – she simply wanted you to kiss her little toes. Something Mommy and Daddy did on a regular basis.
From feet to hands!!!!! There are many stories here too…
“Hailey Houdini” was a master at working her way out of her “mitts”. No matter how well you “thought” you had put them on – Hailey always found a way to get them off whenever you weren’t looking. When the mitts came off, the next thing you knew – she had her endotracheal tube in a tight grip or her feeding tube clasped in her hands or the tapes securing her ETT to her face almost all the way off . Then came teething whereby Hailey insisted on trying to have both of her hands in her mouth. She had this way of flashing you the most mischievous grin while she was doing all of this so it was very hard to scold her but, as a result, we had to institute the “supervised play time rule” whereby her hands could be free – but, you would have your eyes on her the entire time. And who could forget how she would tell you she was getting tired. The hands would start waving in the air, circling her ears – “I’m getting tired – time for bed”.
Those “teeth”. How she worked and worked to cut those tiny little “chiclets”. You could almost guarantee that whenever her temperature spiked, her cheeks were red, or she was a little bit moody – she was getting another tooth. Oh, but, when they came out - was she proud of them!!! She would show them off to you whenever she could. With the addition of those pearly whites – her mischievous grin became even harder to resist.
Later on in her life it was apparent that Hailey was developing a taste for the “classics”. Books, movies and music – all had their place in Hailey’s daily life. Her taste for fine “literature” was evident in some of her favorites such as; The Gruffalo, I Love You This Much, The Velveteen Rabbit and No Matter What. She loved to listen to Mommy and Daddy read these stories to her as they always made funny voices that made her smile and laugh. One night after bath time – Colin and Janet decided rather than reading to her they would put a movie on for Hailey – “to see if she would like it”. I’m pretty sure Hailey didn’t blink for the first 10 minutes of “Finding Nemo” – she was absolutely entranced by all the colors and the movement. This is probably one of my most favorite moments – Colin and Janet sitting side by side, leaning over the crib watching a movie with their daughter as it should be. All that was missing were the pajamas and the popcorn!!! From that point on – Hailey considered herself to be quite the movie buff. Now, having said that – she was not particularly fond of the scarier parts in any movie – nor, did she like the credits at the end of the movie. Scary parts were just not necessary and credits – well, who needs them? If Hailey was crinkling up her nose, and her nose was starting to get red, she was beginning to cry and her vital signs were changing – chances were good that a scary part of the movie had just come on – or the movie itself had ended and the boring old credits were rolling. Now some of you may think that this was simply coincidental however, those of us that witnessed the wide-eyed; non-blinking Hailey watching any of the other parts of the movie would have to respectfully disagree – quite frankly, Hailey knew the difference.
Music was another constant in Hailey’s life. Her little iPod was always playing while she slept. All her “aunties”, at one time or another could be heard humming the melody to such favorites as “ Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, “Baby Beluga” or “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”.
As you all know, Hailey and her parents made a trip to Edmonton. The hope of everyone was that there would be answers to why Hailey was having repeated difficulties. There was a collective sigh of relief when we learned that she no longer had Pulmonary Hypertension. The medications that she was on had apparently done their job. But there were still no clear cut reasons as to why she could not gain weight and breathe without the assistance of a ventilator. There were theories, and “what ifs” but it was becoming more and more apparent that Hailey was losing ground.
Challenge after challenge presented themselves to Hailey all throughout her short little life and with her parents at her side and with such bravery she faced all of them “head on”. But her little body was struggling to keep up with all that was coming at her.
At the end of February, Hailey developed a blood infection. Surprisingly, this was the first of this type of infection for Hailey in all the months she was with us. She seemed to “come out” of this scare relatively intact, seemingly not having the many complications babies who develop sepsis can have. What we had all hoped was that Hailey, once again, would pull through. Sadly this was not to be the case. Hailey’s weakened little body had had enough. She just couldn’t muster the strength needed to get well. Not this time. And with the blessings of her parents and their unconditional love for her – cradled in their arms, on the morning of March 23rd her Mommy and Daddy sadly said “good bye”. Peacefully Hailey slept.
Hailey Marie Paterson was born on Monday, May 11th, 2009 at 10:47 a.m... A petite little package she was, weighing in at a scrappy 2 lbs 15.2 ounces and just 13.75” in length. What she lacked in stature and size, we would soon learn she more than made up for in spirit.
Colin and Janet knew before Hailey’s birth that she would have to face many obstacles; this did not deter these first time parents from trying to make Hailey’s stay in the N.I.C.U. anything but normal”ish”…for instance, within Hailey’s first week in the N.I.C.U. when her breathing tube was removed and she was doing well breathing on her own with minimal assistance – we thought it might be fun to give Hailey her first real bath complete with bubbles. If you have been a regular visitor to “Hailey’s Blog” you will have seen a picture of Hailey soaking in her blue bathtub with the N.I.C.U. version of a spa towel wrapped around her head. She was clearly hooked on being pampered – and I believe, it was that night that we began the makings of our little Diva; but, more on that a little later. Mommy and Daddy were happy participants in this aspect of her care from that moment on and bath time became a ritual for the 3 of them whenever Hailey’s condition would allow. Candles, lavender bubble bath and lotions of all kinds were the stuff night time was made of. Just an aside - when Hailey wasn’t using these “candles” her Daddy had other uses for them. Just ask him about the stuffed animals, the candle bonfires and roasting cotton balls.
Hailey spent a few more weeks in a tiny bassinette located in Bed #3 but, it wouldn’t be long before it became necessary to relocate her to a larger, more spacious bed. She simply was accumulating too much stuff!!! Now, if you can imagine – this tiny little person sleeping in a bed roughly the size of a twin mattress you might think we all were a little crazy. Not so. It didn’t take long before Mommy and Daddy had her new “condo” (known as Bed #11) all decorated with mobiles, important milestone signs and numerous stuffed animal friends. Her new crib suddenly didn’t seem so big. Truth be told, Colin and Janet weren’t solely to blame for the extravagance that became Hailey’s bedside. “Aunties” and other N.I.C.U. members just couldn’t help themselves at times and would bring in toys, socks, dresses, etc. for Hailey. It got to a point where Colin and Janet had to rotate the “stuff” in order to give Hailey an actual place on her bed to sleep!!! You may not realize this, but, the Paterson family started a trend when it came to bedside décor. Baby bedsides in the N.I.C.U. have never been more personalized. Clean and dirty infant clothes are no longer stored in brown paper bags at the bedsides, but, are now separated in individual baskets labeled “clean” and “dirty”. Parents whose infants require longer than usual time in our unit are truly making their baby’s bedsides more of a home away from home.
Around the 2 – 3 month stage –it was apparent that Hailey had inherited her parents’ outgoing personality. No longer was she content to just lay in her bed looking at her mobile, her pink dog, or her colorful bug. She wanted up!!!! She not only wanted to socialize – she needed to. When she was being held – she insisted on facing you head on – she had to be able to see you. She loved to look at faces especially those belonging to her Mommy and Daddy. She loved to be a part of everything going on around her and would think nothing of quickly turning her head to check out the action beside her all while you scrambled to make sure tubes and wires went with her. How many times did we, as her “Aunties” have to sit her completely upright in her crib so that she could watch people come and go within her area of the nursery? Hailey would receive many visitors during the day, none more important than her Mommy and Daddy who were mainstays at her bedside morning, noon and night. Very rarely did rounds take place without one or both of Hailey’s parents by her side advocating for every aspect of her care. Everyone knew who Hailey was – and your day just wasn’t complete unless you came by to see her and her parents and at the very least inquire about how things were going. Colin and Janet quickly became immersed in the N.I.C.U. culture but, never did they once forget to say “hi” to anyone passing by, offer a ride to a parent who was going back to Ronald McDonald House, to ask another parent “how are you doing?” or to introduce themselves to new parents when they arrived in the unit. Even when times were not going well – they always found the courage to be there for others, seemingly forgetting the unfairness of their situation to help others. To say that Hailey and her parents were loved would be an understatement. To many of us, they were the bright spots in our otherwise hectic and sometimes rotten days. It is difficult walking by Bed #11 and not seeing all 3 of them there. The sun just isn’t shining as brightly in that corner of the nursery.
Walk-a-bouts as we call them – where we cuddle up a baby and show them off to one another were something of a rarity for Hailey as she was usually attached to one thing or another. Well, on this one particular night – a couple of her night time aunties decided (with Colin’s help) that Hailey should go on a little “road trip” to visit her Mommy in the Bonding Room. Hailey had had a good day and had done well with her bath –she could tolerate a little time away from the “crib”. Hailey was put on nasal prongs and a portable oxygen tank was pulled along side. Off the little convoy went to meet Mommy. Was Mommy ever surprised when the door opened and she saw her little girl at the door! A little quiet, “alone as a family” time was the perfect way to end this particular evening.
Remember earlier when I mentioned that Hailey was a bit of a Diva? I’m sure all of her “Aunties” remember the MIRROR. This girl LOVED to admire herself in her mirror. She could stare at herself for hours!!!! Often, she would fall asleep just looking at herself.
Now Hailey was prone to “meltdowns” as we affectionately call them. For Hailey – they would usually be precipitated by something you were doing to her as part of her care; but, the funny thing here is – during these attitude bursts – as soon as you would put the mirror in front of her, she would pause – check herself out – “yep, I still look good even when I’m in a mood” and she would stop crying. The Hailey in the mirror became known to all as “Hailey too”. This mirror became part of your care plan – if you were going to change Hailey’s position, or suction her, change her diaper, etc. – you’d better have the mirror ready and in the appropriate spot BEFORE you did anything else.
Hailey definitely had her favourites when it came to her “things”. She loved to look at just about anything but; in particular she loved her Fisher Price Aquarium that an “Auntie” had purchased for her at Christmas. This quickly took the place of the beloved mirror – as by this point Hailey “KNEW” she looked beautiful all the time and therefore, just didn’t need to keep checking herself out. Stationary Nemo, Lola the lobster and Hailey became fast friends. Jiggers, the colorful lion/dog spindly legged thing, was another favourite of Hailey’s as he would always talk to her in a funny voice. He especially liked to give her kisses on her neck and make her laugh (so much so that she would need lots of suctioning after a visit from him). And who can forget the yellow duck that watched over Hailey from the head of the bed each night while she slept.
Now as Hailey grew older – and she realized her sparkling, expressive dark eyes (she got these from her Mom) and her unbelievably long eyelashes could be used to attract some of the infant male population to her bedside – she took full advantage of this. Riley and Matteo, and several other boys whose names I can’t recall, were frequent visitors to her bedside. Now don’t panic; this was all above board – Mommy and Daddy were always present on nights when Hailey invited boys to her “crib”. Of course, Hailey did most of the talking, because we all know, boys will be boys – but, clearly she was a heartbreaker from the get go.
The foot!!! Well, this was a Hailey trademark. Whenever she was awake that foot was almost always in the air. Some felt that this was Hailey just practicing her ballet moves – I have my own take on this – we all knew Hailey was a very particular girl – she liked things just so – she especially enjoyed smelling nice. I believe, when her foot was in the air – she was saying “hi” – yes, but, she was most likely asking you to smell her foot to make sure it didn’t stink. However, Mommy’s theory is by far the best – she simply wanted you to kiss her little toes. Something Mommy and Daddy did on a regular basis.
From feet to hands!!!!! There are many stories here too…
“Hailey Houdini” was a master at working her way out of her “mitts”. No matter how well you “thought” you had put them on – Hailey always found a way to get them off whenever you weren’t looking. When the mitts came off, the next thing you knew – she had her endotracheal tube in a tight grip or her feeding tube clasped in her hands or the tapes securing her ETT to her face almost all the way off . Then came teething whereby Hailey insisted on trying to have both of her hands in her mouth. She had this way of flashing you the most mischievous grin while she was doing all of this so it was very hard to scold her but, as a result, we had to institute the “supervised play time rule” whereby her hands could be free – but, you would have your eyes on her the entire time. And who could forget how she would tell you she was getting tired. The hands would start waving in the air, circling her ears – “I’m getting tired – time for bed”.
Those “teeth”. How she worked and worked to cut those tiny little “chiclets”. You could almost guarantee that whenever her temperature spiked, her cheeks were red, or she was a little bit moody – she was getting another tooth. Oh, but, when they came out - was she proud of them!!! She would show them off to you whenever she could. With the addition of those pearly whites – her mischievous grin became even harder to resist.
Later on in her life it was apparent that Hailey was developing a taste for the “classics”. Books, movies and music – all had their place in Hailey’s daily life. Her taste for fine “literature” was evident in some of her favorites such as; The Gruffalo, I Love You This Much, The Velveteen Rabbit and No Matter What. She loved to listen to Mommy and Daddy read these stories to her as they always made funny voices that made her smile and laugh. One night after bath time – Colin and Janet decided rather than reading to her they would put a movie on for Hailey – “to see if she would like it”. I’m pretty sure Hailey didn’t blink for the first 10 minutes of “Finding Nemo” – she was absolutely entranced by all the colors and the movement. This is probably one of my most favorite moments – Colin and Janet sitting side by side, leaning over the crib watching a movie with their daughter as it should be. All that was missing were the pajamas and the popcorn!!! From that point on – Hailey considered herself to be quite the movie buff. Now, having said that – she was not particularly fond of the scarier parts in any movie – nor, did she like the credits at the end of the movie. Scary parts were just not necessary and credits – well, who needs them? If Hailey was crinkling up her nose, and her nose was starting to get red, she was beginning to cry and her vital signs were changing – chances were good that a scary part of the movie had just come on – or the movie itself had ended and the boring old credits were rolling. Now some of you may think that this was simply coincidental however, those of us that witnessed the wide-eyed; non-blinking Hailey watching any of the other parts of the movie would have to respectfully disagree – quite frankly, Hailey knew the difference.
Music was another constant in Hailey’s life. Her little iPod was always playing while she slept. All her “aunties”, at one time or another could be heard humming the melody to such favorites as “ Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, “Baby Beluga” or “Swing Low Sweet Chariot”.
As you all know, Hailey and her parents made a trip to Edmonton. The hope of everyone was that there would be answers to why Hailey was having repeated difficulties. There was a collective sigh of relief when we learned that she no longer had Pulmonary Hypertension. The medications that she was on had apparently done their job. But there were still no clear cut reasons as to why she could not gain weight and breathe without the assistance of a ventilator. There were theories, and “what ifs” but it was becoming more and more apparent that Hailey was losing ground.
Challenge after challenge presented themselves to Hailey all throughout her short little life and with her parents at her side and with such bravery she faced all of them “head on”. But her little body was struggling to keep up with all that was coming at her.
At the end of February, Hailey developed a blood infection. Surprisingly, this was the first of this type of infection for Hailey in all the months she was with us. She seemed to “come out” of this scare relatively intact, seemingly not having the many complications babies who develop sepsis can have. What we had all hoped was that Hailey, once again, would pull through. Sadly this was not to be the case. Hailey’s weakened little body had had enough. She just couldn’t muster the strength needed to get well. Not this time. And with the blessings of her parents and their unconditional love for her – cradled in their arms, on the morning of March 23rd her Mommy and Daddy sadly said “good bye”. Peacefully Hailey slept.
There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.
Hailey
Thank you for teaching us what it is to be a fighter.
Thank you for reminding us to go home every night and cherish those we love.
Thank you for teaching us to say “I love you” and to not be afraid to show it.
Thank you for reminding us that there is a little person underneath all the tubes, wires, bells and whistles that is the N.I.C.U.
Thank you for reminding us that this little person represents all the hopes and dreams of her parents and for the future of the world.
Thank you for reminding us to laugh and smile.
Thank you for showing us that not all days are bad ones and that you need to remember the good times too even when you may not want to.
Colin and Janet
Thank you for the gift of Hailey.
Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives – through the good and the bad.
Thank you for showing us what it is to be a family and to love with all your heart – not just your head.
Thank you for reminding us that there is always hope even in the face of diversity.
Thank you for showing us what it is to love with no agenda and no strings attached.
Thank you for teaching us what it is to parent in a very non-conventional setting and to do so with such strength and courage.
Thank you for reminding us that the very best advocate a child can have is the unconditional love of her parents.
Thank you for teaching us what it is to be a fighter.
Thank you for reminding us to go home every night and cherish those we love.
Thank you for teaching us to say “I love you” and to not be afraid to show it.
Thank you for reminding us that there is a little person underneath all the tubes, wires, bells and whistles that is the N.I.C.U.
Thank you for reminding us that this little person represents all the hopes and dreams of her parents and for the future of the world.
Thank you for reminding us to laugh and smile.
Thank you for showing us that not all days are bad ones and that you need to remember the good times too even when you may not want to.
Colin and Janet
Thank you for the gift of Hailey.
Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your lives – through the good and the bad.
Thank you for showing us what it is to be a family and to love with all your heart – not just your head.
Thank you for reminding us that there is always hope even in the face of diversity.
Thank you for showing us what it is to love with no agenda and no strings attached.
Thank you for teaching us what it is to parent in a very non-conventional setting and to do so with such strength and courage.
Thank you for reminding us that the very best advocate a child can have is the unconditional love of her parents.
Hailey – if one’s life can be measured by how much you love and are loved in return – then baby girl; Hailey-Bean – you are destined to live a thousand lives. The hearts of all who have been privileged to love you will carry the spirit of you with them forever and always.
And when you are done showing everyone up there the “Hailey way” come visit our hearts and dreams from time to time. Let us know you’re okay and that we are getting it right down here. Never forget how much you are loved and will be missed.
We love you to the moon and back, forever and ever and always.
Your N.I.C.U. family
And when you are done showing everyone up there the “Hailey way” come visit our hearts and dreams from time to time. Let us know you’re okay and that we are getting it right down here. Never forget how much you are loved and will be missed.
We love you to the moon and back, forever and ever and always.
Your N.I.C.U. family